Mommy tip: Help your kids seek resolutions when angry

This is a funny magnet on my friend's fridge:

So what happens when things get ugly and go from 

yelling because you care to yelling because you're angry???

It's not fun to be angry and

 it is certainly not fun to see kids throwing angry fits either!  

Some of the best advice I've come across in helping parents & kids with anger is the "anger ladder."  I read about it in "The 5 Love Languages" book by G. Chapman.  So helpful!!!  He writes: "The goal is to move the child from passive-aggressive behavior and verbal abuse to a calm, even pleasant response that seeks resolution.  This is a long process that involves training, example, and patience."

Click on the link for the full ladder on page 160:

The Five Love Languages of Children - Page 159 - Google Books Result

books.google.com/books?isbn=0802479596

I first read it about 2 years ago.  It really works.  I've been repeating over and over again to my kids: "ok you're angry let's work things out and find a solution."  Just recently my husband and I got into a heated discussion.  My son walked into the room and said: "listen, all you need to do is find a solution."  I can tell you we found a solution pretty quickly that time!  I was humbled and glad to see that my son has been paying attention to my words about seeking resolutions.

Bottom line: it's normal to get angry.  Find resolutions as quickly as you can. 

Keep strong and keep up the good work beautiful mothers!

Love,

Rosa

Today's Mommy Tip: know your child!

Shakespeare wrote "it is the wise parent that knows his own child."

Over ten years ago when my husband Greg & I were dating there came a time when we didn't think it was going to work out.  

I told one of my best girlfriends Ali how I felt he was not spending enough time with me.  Greg was feeling like he couldn't spend anymore time with me because we had already run a bunch of errands together (this is the nutshell version of our story.)  My friend saved our relationship by suggesting I read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary D. Chapman.  She said we were speaking different love languages.  We read the book and it worked!

The five love languages are:
-quality time:(my strongest language) it doesn't have to be long just really focused "quality" time.
-acts of service:(my husband's strongest language) doing helpful things for people, errands, repairs...
-Physical touch: touching people by holding hands, hugging, wrestling...
-receiving gifts: receiving thoughtful gifts.
-words of affirmation: hearing affirming, encouraging, loving words.
We all speak all five languages but we speak one or two of them more fluently.

Fast forward 8 years, we have two young boys ages 4 & 6.  I want to find out what love language they speak.  So at dinner time one night I asked them.  How do you feel the most loved?

My 6 yr old son Judah answered: "because you are all so pinchable".  Let me translate.  My son Judah loves to pinch, it's more of a squeeze, but he calls it pinching.  He loves pinching our upper arms.  He even likes saying "pinchy pinchy pinchy" as he does it.  It's funny I know.  But he was saying loud and clear that his love language is physical touch.  My mother will call and the conversation between them will be "pinchy pinchy pinchy."  So now I make sure I give him all the "pinching", squeezing, and hugs he needs.

My second son Ben, wasn't exactly sure but that same night we started a family tradition of going around our table and giving each family member an encouragement.  Ben was melting in his chair as each of us spoke words of affirmation to him.  That's when I started realizing how much he responded to kind words and how often he spoke kind words.  Very often Ben would say to me: "Mommy I love you." I would respond "I love you Benny" to which he responded "I knew you were going to say that!"

If you don't already know your children's love language ask them!

Love,
Rosa